Separation Anxiety in Children: What's Really Happening (and How to Support Them)
- The Montessori Academy
- Jan 12
- 7 min read
"Don't go away, Mummy."
Your child cries when you leave the room. They cling to you at the school entrance. In the evening, at bedtime, the same scene repeats: tears, requests, sometimes even desperate screams.
You feel guilty. Confused. Sometimes even frustrated. "Am I doing something wrong? Why can't they be without me? Other children seem so calm."
It's normal to feel this way. But there's something important you need to know: separation anxiety is not a tantrum. It's not a problem you created. It's a developmental process that every child goes through, and one we can support with gentleness and awareness.
What Separation Anxiety Really Is
Separation anxiety is an intense emotion that children experience when they need to separate from their attachment figures - particularly their parents. It's not just momentary discomfort: it's a real fear, lived in the body and in the heart.
From an evolutionary perspective, it's completely normal. In fact, it's healthy.
Think about it: for thousands of years, being separated from an attachment figure meant danger. A child left alone wouldn't survive. That ancestral fear is still written in our DNA, and it emerges strongly between 6 and 18 months - the peak of separation anxiety.
But it doesn't end there. Separation anxiety can reappear at different stages of growth: during nursery or kindergarten transitions, in moments of change (birth of a sibling, moving house, changing schools), and even up to age 6-7 in particular situations.
How do you distinguish physiological anxiety from anxiety that requires support?
A 3-year-old who cries for 5-10 minutes at the school entrance and then calms down is going through a healthy process. Their guide welcomes them, validates their emotion, and the child gradually finds their balance.
A child who continues to show intense distress after weeks, who has significant regressions (returns to bedwetting, won't eat, won't sleep), or who develops recurring physical symptoms (stomach aches, headaches) might need a different approach and, if necessary, professional support.
The difference lies in the intensity, duration, and impact on daily life.
The Most Delicate Moments
Separation anxiety emerges with particular force in three contexts:
A) School Return / Starting School
September is a delicate month. Even if your child has already attended school the previous year, returning after the holidays can reactivate anxiety. The child needs to rebuild security in that environment, reconnect with their guides, and rediscover their reference points.
What to observe:
Crying at the entrance (normal if limited in time)
Repeated requests to be accompanied inside
Phrases like "Don't leave me" or "Come pick me up early"
Practical mini-strategy: Create a predictable goodbye ritual. Always the same. For example: three hugs at the door, a kiss on the forehead, a wave from the window. Predictability creates security. And when you say "I'll be back after snack time," always keep your promise.
B) Bedtime (Critical Moment)
Bedtime amplifies separation anxiety. Why? Because sleep is surrender. It's letting go of control. It's trusting that upon waking, everything will still be in its place - including Mummy.
For a young child, falling asleep is an enormous act of trust.
That's why so many children who are calm during the day become inconsolable in the evening. It's not manipulation. It's real fear.
Fear of the dark is often a manifestation of separation anxiety: it's not the darkness itself that's frightening, but the feeling of being alone, distant, vulnerable.
Practical mini-strategy: Build a predictable and reassuring evening routine. Bath, pyjamas, story, cuddles, soft light. Always in the same order. The routine tells the child's body: "Everything is under control. You can let go." And if the child needs a transitional object - their stuffed animal, their blanket - respect this need. It's not weakness, it's an emotional regulation strategy.
C) When the Child Stays with Other People
Leaving your child with grandparents, a babysitter, or other trusted adults can trigger anxiety. Even if they know these people well. Even if they rationally know you'll return.
How to prepare the child: Talk to them beforehand. Explain where you're going, who they're staying with, when you'll return. Use understandable time references: "I'll be back after you have snack with Grandma." Don't disappear without saying goodbye (it breaks trust), but don't prolong the goodbye excessively (it amplifies anxiety).
What NOT to Do (Common Mistakes)
All of us, as parents, have made at least one of these mistakes. It's not about being perfect, but about understanding what doesn't help - so we can choose differently.
❌ Minimising the emotion "There's nothing to be afraid of" is a phrase that invalidates what the child is feeling. For them, there absolutely is something to be afraid of. Their fear is real, even if it seems irrational to us.
❌ Disappearing without saying goodbye "If I sneak away while they're distracted, I'll avoid the crying." No. You avoid the crying in that moment, but you create a deeper insecurity: "Mummy can disappear at any moment without warning me." The child will start monitoring you constantly, because they no longer trust.
❌ Prolonging the goodbye excessively "One more kiss, one more hug, one more..." amplifies the anxiety. The child perceives your hesitation and thinks: "If Mummy is afraid to leave me, it means there really is something to be afraid of."
❌ Promising to return "right away" when it's not true Children have a very precise internal clock. If you promise "I'll be right back" and then return after 4 hours, next time they won't believe you anymore.
❌ Giving in when you've already decided to leave You say "I have to go," the child cries, you stay another 10 minutes, then another 10, then in the end you don't go at all. The child learns: "If I cry hard enough, Mummy won't leave." And they'll use this strategy every time.
What to Do - Montessori and Evidence-Based Strategies
A) BEFORE the separation
Speaking to the child clearly and honestly Children sense when we're lying or avoiding topics. Explain what will happen, in a simple but sincere way. "Tomorrow morning Mummy goes to work. You stay with your guide at school. After snack time I'll come pick you up."
Using understandable time references "I'll be back in 3 hours" means nothing to a 3-year-old. Use instead: "I'll be back after you've had lunch" or "I'll be back when the sun goes down."
Creating predictable rituals Every morning, before leaving for school, do the same sequence. For example: breakfast together, we prepare the backpack, three hugs at the door, a wave from the window. The child knows exactly what to expect. And this reassures them.
B) DURING the separation
Validating the emotion "I understand you miss Mummy. It's normal to feel this way." Don't deny, don't minimise. Welcome the feeling.
Saying goodbye with calm and confidence Your tone of voice, your posture, your gaze communicate more than words. If you're agitated, the child feels it. Breathe, ground yourself, and say goodbye with the certainty that everything will be fine.
Don't prolong, don't disappear Find the balance point: a clear, affectionate, but decisive goodbye. "I love you. See you after snack time. Have a good day." And then go.
Leaving a "transitional object" if necessary If the child finds comfort in carrying something that reminds them of you (a handkerchief with your scent, a small photo), let them have it. It's not dependency, it's a self-regulation strategy.
C) UPON RETURN
Reconnecting emotionally immediately When you pick them up, even if you're tired or in a hurry, take a moment to reconnect. A real hug. Eye contact. "How was your day?"
Don't minimise what they experienced If they say "I missed you," don't respond "But you had a great time!" Respond instead: "I missed you too. And now we're together again."
D) SPECIFIC CASE: Bedtime
Sleep deserves particular attention because it's one of the moments when separation anxiety manifests most intensely.
Predictable and reassuring routine In the evening, after dinner, always start the same sequence. Bath, pyjamas, teeth, story, cuddles in bed, soft light, lullaby (if you sing one). This sequence tells the child's body: "It's time to relax."
Prepared environment The bedroom environment matters. Comfortable temperature (18-20°C), soft light (not total darkness if the child is afraid), silence or white noise. An environment that communicates: "You're safe here."
Gradual but decisive presence You don't need to stay in bed with the child until they fall asleep (unless it's your conscious choice). You can be present in the room, close to the bed, with your voice or your touch. Then, gradually, increase the distance.
Some children need to know you're in the next room. That's fine. Others fall asleep peacefully alone. Each child has their own timing.
(We'll explore specific strategies for peaceful sleep on the blog soon - a topic that deserves its own space.)
When to Seek Help
Separation anxiety is normal, but there are situations where it's important to seek professional support:
Persistent anxiety beyond age 6-7 without improvement
Significant regressions: the child returns to behaviours they had overcome (bedwetting, infantile language, refusing to eat independently)
Significant impact on daily family life: you can no longer go out, the child hasn't slept for months, the situation creates tension in the couple
Recurring physical symptoms without medical cause: stomach ache every morning before school, headaches, nausea
Asking for help is not failing. It's taking care. A consultation with a pedagogist, a developmental psychologist, or a Montessori professional can make the difference.
A Final Thought
Separation anxiety is normal. It's developmental. It can be supported.
Each child has their own timing. Each family finds their own balance. There isn't one method that works for everyone - there's listening, observation, gentleness towards yourself and towards your child.
If you're going through this moment, know that you're not alone. At Montessori Academy we support families through these delicate transitions - not only during the school years, but throughout the entire educational journey, from 0 to 18+ years.
Because the educational connection we build is for life.
Would you like to receive more practical insights for supporting your child with gentleness and awareness?
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